I'm Overrated? Well hello, Mr. Pot... My Name's Mr. Kettle
“Will Smith don’t gotta cuss in his raps to sell records… well, I do… so fuck him, and fuck you too”
- Eminem
Yes Hunter, congratulations, you’ve found my secret weakness… you’ve managed to discover something about me that no one else in the history of this company has ever found out. I’d pray to whichever God it is that I don't believe in that you keep it to yourself, and don't clue the rest of the company in on how to beat me… but you’ve already released my Achilles heel.
Fuck, fuck, fuckity, fuck, fuck… cock, pussy, cum guzzling whore bag on a douche cracker, twat, cunt, bitch to the slut to the taint… anything else offensive? Hmmm… oh, right, Sarah Palin.
Yeah, “you little shit”, I like to swear a lot.
I doff my cap to you good sir, I applaud you for discovering what I state myself nearly every single week, and have stated since week one on Impact… maybe if you had been doing your job and watching promos, you’d know there was no real denying this fact.
Ouch... imagine, a low blow from Raven... who could have guessed?
Now, Hunter… I have to say, I'm incredibly disappointed. You see, I threw a lot of information at you late last night, everything from your over-appreciated career to your wife beating pass times. By the way, Jodi called, she said to tell you that you hit like a girl.
So with everything I threw your way, what did I get back in exchange? I got “you’ve made me angry”. I got “you like to swear”. I fucking got “Spice One in his mind has reinvented the art of mind games”… what the hell does that even mean?
Face it Hunter, you just don't have what it takes… you cant keep up and your just not good enough to trade blows with me. You’re a duelist with an empty pistol, a porn star with impotency… you're, well… a guy getting himself into a trash talk battle when his insults pack less power than the backhand he throws his wifes way.
Oh yeah, you can expect a lot of those from now on.
Now I know you’re not the best with this, so let me try to help you out… See, the goal of this back and forth is to make each other feel bad, to bring something new to the table that makes the opponent back down and know that you just called them on something that keeps them up at night, tugging at their pillows in fear that one day someone will discover their deepest, darkest secrets.
What you do not want to do, is bring up things so absurd and ridiculous that your opponent just laughs while he’s on a conference call with other XWF stars… seriously dude, even Chasm said your promos need work…
Now maybe you like being an entertainer, maybe you would be better suited with oversized shoes and a water gun bow tie, a red nose and a Krazzy Kidd face paint kit. However, the problem with that is that your “Comedy Central Presents” special has boosted my moral… see? Do you understand now why this was a bad idea on your part?
Don't dabble where you don't belong Hunter, whether it be trash talk, a wrestling ring or a “Men who treat women well” conference. Rim shot please… no Nick, I said rim “shot”, not “job”… Hunter will meet you at home later.
Son of a cock sucking whore… not only am I swearing but there was yet another gay, incest joke… you called me out on that too, so I'm supposed to get embarrassed and ashamed, and hide in a shell for the next week, right? Fuck that, those comments are what got me to where I am…
See, I figure all sex jokes are currently fair game. You decided to bring my girlfriend into this, and discuss our sex life… and I like to play the “eye for an eye leaves you with no more eyes” game.
Actually... now that I think about it, if I really want to go tit for tat with you, and I really want to do the "eye for an eye" thing, why not go all out? Why bother paraphrasing and generalizing your statements when I can just go right ahead and use them verbatim... after all, its not like you didnt steal lines of mine already in your first promo.
*cough*
Damn this itchy throat of mine.
Anyways, I digress...
Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, I introduce to you the newest tool in the James Raven arsenal:
Now this little machine here is going to be my saving grace. Its going to go right on ahead and spit out some random lines from Hunter Ryans "masterpiece", saving me the anguish of having to watch that public service announcement of why retards shouldnt be allowed to use a camcorder... *cough*Barney Green*cough*... what the fuck is up with my throat today?
So, Mr. Machine, in the interest of time and not speaking more than two thousand words in this promo, which would be a cardinal sin as we all know…go ahead and kick us off here with the first line of “promotional tape gold” that Hunter has produced for us.
*BEEP!!! BEEP!!! BEEP!!! KER-PLUNK!!!*
“Hunter Ryan said: Fine, so Nick and I had nothing to do with where you're at in your career today. I can accept that.”
Whoa, whoa, whoa… can you accept that Hunter? Can you really? Then why is it that every single time you mention me, Gary, Thug, Krazzy Kidd, Maximus or anyone else who EVER wrestled on the Impact brand… you tell us that you feel a little responsible for what we’ve become?
Let me go ahead and throw out a hypothesis about this… could it be that you and Nick are living vicariously through us? Could it be that even though you’re currently active, you know you’ll never reach the height I have, and you want to break yourself off as big of a piece as you can?
You my luck into a World title someday Hunter, but you’ll never be a multi time champion, and you’ll never be anything more that someone who gets left off the list when people talk about this companies greatest champions. Not because they dislike you, but because they’ll never remember that you even won. So go ahead, take credit for Maximus, Krazzy Kidd, Grappling whatever-the-fuck, QC Thug, Sparrow… whoever, because all of them are gone, and none of them can call you out on trading on their names.
In case you haven't noticed, I'm still here, and pulling this shit WILL force me to end you. Computer, next quote, please.
*BEEP!!! BEEP!!! BEEP!!! KER-PLUNK!!!*
“Hunter Ryan said: But had your brother still been among the living, you're ass would still be suckling your mom's titty back home!”
Wow Hunter, have you really stooped that low? Are you really so tight up against the wall that when you reach into your bag of tricks and look for anything that can possibly hurt me, all you can pull out are “dead brother” blasts? Don't get me wrong, I'm not offended by it, I figure once again, its fair game… I mention yours and you mention mine… I'm just surprised that you seem to think of that as some kind of go-to move. Its like you assumed I would collapse upon hearing that and burst into tears, tweaked out of my mind and screaming, reduced to some kind of sniveling…. You.
Yeah Hunter, well played, my brother is dead, but once again, do you have any idea what you’re talking about? He didn't die in the ring, in the arena, because of a wrestling event… fuck, he died three months after I ever even signed with the XWF. He died because of injury complications from a separate injury… so you can go fuck yourself.
Go ahead, keep throwing TJ’s name in there, I dare you… all it will accomplish is that when we’re all said and done, Nick and I will both be only children.
Do you realize that I was at that pay per view already? I didn't “show up” to just take over TJ’s contract, I was backstage already, looking for an XWF contract… but we all know what happened… Jester went off on TJ, I tried to save him, and TJ was taken out of action for good. From there, Jon being the cheap bastard he was, told me I couldn’t have a Massacre contract anymore, Ihad to take TJ’s off his hands and go to the hell hole that is Impact… there's no need for me to criticize the ONE show you guys have ever been able to run semi-successfully.
That just might hurt your feelings.
By the way, after this weeks loss to me, aren't we due for another RWF, FWA or IMADUMBASS federation to show up at one of your hands? Just saying.
One last thing… I'm nineteen dude, if TJ was still wrestling do you really think I’d be “suckling at my moms titty”? Come on, don't be gross… now Mia’s on the other hand…
Damn it, my bad… I'm getting distracted… computer!! If you please…
*BEEP!!! BEEP!!! BEEP!!! KER-PLUNK!!!*
“Hunter Ryan said: You're right, James...I do sound uneducated and ignorant. Teach me to be just like you, James. Please...I wanna be just like James Raven!”
THERE YOU GO!!! Say it loud and proud Hunter, tell the world the truth, even if you have to sing it from the rooftops. You want to be me, you want to have my level of success, look as good as I do, have a dick the size of mine, a girlfriend that doesn’t have a black eye because of you…
I'm glad you were finally able to climb your way out of the “Raven Envy” closet. I'm glad you were finally able to come to grips and admit to the rest of us that you really, truly, wish you could be me.
We all respect you more for it.
Wait, what? You mean… you didn't really mean that? You weren't serious about wanting to be just like me?
So you’re saying I took one of your quotes, took it out of context and turned it around to be used against you while making myself look like a retarded monkey trying to hump a door knob? Well what do you know ladies and gentlemen… apparently I want to be Hunter Ryan.
Computer… you know what to do…
*BEEP!!! BEEP!!! BEEP!!! KER-PLUNK!!!*
“Hunter Ryan said: Computer error. Comment blocked by XWF censors.”
Ahhh... I dont think I need any more clarification here... we all know which comment the computer is trying to get out right now.
First off Hunter, it should be noted that the XWF doesnt have a "XXX viewer rating" so for the most part, these comments are best left to yourself. Seriously, if Jodi finally decides she's had enough of beig your personal Whitney Houston stand in, and she leaves you alone on a cold, dark night, go right ahead and picture me giving Mia the best orgasm of her life. Reach for the cocoa butter, vaseline, hand lotion... your brothers mouth... sorry, but my fans were expecting it, I couldnt let them down, could I? But go ahead, imagine Mia and I and go ahead to give yourself the best orgasm of your life.
As far as Roxy goes, her joining in? It wouldnt be the first time, and it wont be the last... However, what I want to know is why you made such a specific point to call out my sex life, but then ended in such disappointing fashion.
You called me out, took it in a direction that could have been interesting, then ended with "make her scream your name Wednesday, because no one will be screaming for you Thursday". Are you freaking kidding me dude?
Even Mia thinks that trash talk was weak.
However, Im not willing to sit here and discuss the fact that Mia has a mouth like a hoover vacuum cleaner and can ride me like a-
Never mind, Jons not in charge anymore, so saying that wont give me an edge with management.
Moving on...
*BEEP!!! BEEP!!! BEEP!!! KER-PLUNK!!!*
“Hunter Ryan said: The fans will watch as you get broken in half by the Hunter's Spear...or tap out from the circulation being squeezed out of you as I stick your face right in my crotch and show you no mercy.”
...
...
What?
Im going to keep this short and sweet and ask you to do two things for me... first, keep your "Hunters Spear" in your pants, and if your going to break anyone in half with it, please... please... pleeeease... keep it to your family members as usual. And if you stick my face anywhere near your crotch, dont expect to ever be capable of impregnating your punching bag- errrr... Jodi.
...
Seriously dude, that was creepy. Moving on.
*BEEP!!! BEEP!!! BEEP!!! KER-PLUNK!!!*
“Hunter Ryan said: Oh...wait...did I just set myself up for some other sort of homosexual joke? Hold on...I think I hear Dan Fierce calling me from the shower...oh wait...my bad...
...it's just your mother.”
OOOOOHH!!! Your mama jokes!!! I love these!!! Hang on, let me see if I can get a few in here.
"Your mama is so dumb, I told her to do the robot and now R2-D2 has an S.T.D."
"Your mama is so ugly, your dad takes her with him to work so that he doesnt have to kiss her goodbye."
"Your mama is so old that her social security number is one... and your mama is so old that she was alive when that joke was made up!"
"Your mama is so dumb, that she actually gave birth to two women beating, offensive, whiny little homos and she should be shot in the face with an AK-47 as punishment."
Hmmm... is it just me or is that last one a little offensive?
Honestly Hunter? I could do this all day, but I think everyone is starting to get the point, so I may as well wrap this up.
Seriously, I hope you bring better shit to the ring than you did to your promo, or I hope you shock me with an "epic" one later tonight. Who are we kidding though? We both know that wont happen.
I'll see you in the ring, and I'll show you once again you cant measure up to me. I'll see you at my Universal title ceremony douche bag...
Oh, and seeing as how IM too lazy for a cleaver sign off line, how's this? Computer?
*BEEP!!! BEEP!!! BEEP!!! KER-PLUNK!!!*
“Hunter Ryan said: Hunter, out”
Come on man... that shit is soooo gay.