Tonight, I got a call from James Raven. I was asked to get back in the goddamned ring! HA! I haven't set foot in a wrestling ring for nearly a year. Part of the "Legends" contract I signed with XWF states that I have the option to take part in any number of matches I want for the rest of my life. Hey, for $50,000 a pop, how could I turn it down? All you wrestling fans out there that are still following my career in music, please, don't think I'm going to go back to the ring. My heart is with my children and my music now. That being said, let's lace 'em up! Superballs, Bigg Rigg, one more time baby!
You're damned right. It seems an eternity ago, and really, it was. The last time I set foot in an XWF ring was not a good showing. Another way to look at it is that it was god fucking awful. Sure, I won...I beat Foalan Wallace, but...FUHGEDDABOUTIT! I'm getting back in the ring, one more time, with John. Let's face it, it only fits. He's the reason I got into wrestling, the reason I came to the XWF, and the reason they call me a legend now.
It's funny, my whole career I told everyone that I was a legend. From the time I set foot in the ring for the first time, I told them I was a legend. They all laughed...but not for long. It took so little time to start compiling a list of honors that most seasoned veterans would drool over. Literally a what's what in the business of professional wrestling. And I did it all before I turned 30. I'm not one of those guys who started when I was 17 either. I was much older than that. Me, Mark, & Tara. The Loughton triplets, doing yet another thing that we probably shouldn't have. Hell, at that point we'd already been through operation Desert Storm. What was honestly going to scare us?
Whatever though, my accolades have been well documented in the annals of Wrestling history. It's funny, when I used to do autograph signings, people who weren't wrestling fans would walk up and ask me if I was some sort of basketball player. When I told them I was a wrestler, they would turn their noses up and walk away from me. I've never understood why someone who entertains a specific crowd is treated so badly. There are many times where I've seen wrestlers treated worse than strippers. Not that there's anything wrong with strippers, hell, they entertain a specific crowd too.
This Sunday, fresh off a brief tour performing on stage, I'm going to get back into the ring. Superballs and Bigg Rigg with ring rust? Nooo. I'm performing an action packed concert every night. I haven't been sitting back watching old episodes of the Sopranos eating Ziti. 90 minutes of pure, raw, uncut entertainment on a nightly basis. Who I'm touring with is of little consequence, but I'll just say...he's pretty excellent.
Sit back and enjoy, as we document my process. As I prepare to return to the ring, yet again. This isn't the HWO, this isn't the TWC, this isn't Sparta, oh no...THIS IS THE XWF!
"Ugh" he says as he rolls over in yet another cheap hotel room. This one looks just like last one, except the walls are an uglier shade of smoke-stained yellow and the air conditioner is broken. Good thing this is the Northwest and not Australia. It's hard to imagine not having air conditioning down under while feasting on Fish and chips. Steve Jason got him hooked on them years ago. When you do this as long as they have, you have your boys. Your cats you travel with. Steve Jason is one of those men for him. "Wake up man."
"What?" A voice resounded from across the room. "It's fuckin' noon you retard!" Mark Loughton, known to the world as Hawkeye, steps into the picture. Equally impressive as he is one of the triplets. Mark tears the blankets from Superballs and flips the curtain back from the window. Superballs recoils from the natural light beaming through the window.
"You son of a bitch." Superballs sits up in his bed and rubs the sleep out of his eyes. He puts his legs over the side. "You're lucky you're my brother. Otherwise I'd have killed ya by now."
"Unless you got an army, you best be shuttin' your mouth. You're an old man." Mark chuckles to himself, obviously knowing they're the same age.
"So, where are we headed?" By now, Superballs is up and walking around the room slowly. Years of wrestling and his size have taken a toll on his knees and ankles. He can hardly walk first thing in the morning. The pain that shoots through each heel feels like he's walking on broken glass. His ankles pop with each step he takes and he basically has to walk with his knees bent.
"I still don't know how you got all messed up like that. I'm in perfect shape. No surgeries, no pain."
"Hardcore matches bro."
"You act like I was never in any. Just because I'm more of a purist and could really give a shit about bleeding all over the place doesn't mean I didn't participate in my fair share. Remember the GWA? I was a hardcore GOD!" Mark smiles with a hint of self-satisfaction at his achievements of yore.
"The key word is was. The GWA hasn't existed for years! You were the god of a dead promotion. You were a god to those monkeys. John Rogan, Reggie Love, you were their hero. W-E-R-E! I'm still respected in the wrestling community and I wrestle once a year! Mark, we stood strong as a team, but as singles you were always in my shadow." Superballs grins, knowing this will start an argument. It happens every day. Same argument, different words.
"You're delusional! If we ever had a match I'd show you. In thirteen years since we started in the wrestling business, we've never had a match against one another. Different places at different times. But you better believe, nothing you've done over-shadows what I did. Tell me how many times you won the big one in the XWF?" Check mate. Mark has never pulled that one out before, because it has always been a sore subject. There are just some things you don't talk about with Jake Loughton and his lack of Universal Title reigns is one of them.
"You can fuck yourself, Mark. My first shot should've sealed my place in history. I was screwed!"
"How many World Title reigns Jake?"
"Goddammit! I only had one shot at that, and I got screwed out of that one too. I had Jem Williams beat fair and square and the goddamned match was interfered in."
"Yeah, but you were a tag team specialist in the XWF huh? An X-treme icon huh? I watched you have matches on rooftops, in airports, in hotel rooms, in countless random hallways at all times of the night. What do you owe the XWF fans? You and Sandin helped yourselves. You defeated Killjoy and Steve Jason. The fans didn't have anything to do with that."
"They always supported me. I know that the only victories I achieved in my life were because I drove me. No one else had anything to do with it. I drove me to succeed. I get that. But they were always behind me. Cheering me on." He wonders now, how Mark backed out of the argument so quickly. Apparently he sensed apprehension.
"Whatever. Look, I don't even know why you're called an XWF legend. You didn't do jack there. I'm pretty sure Fred L is legally retarded and his list of XWF accomplishments makes yours look like an elementary school report card." Mark cocks an eyebrow, he knows that had to hit a nerve!
"Whether he's legally retarded or not, he was constantly in the right place at the right time against basically no one. There are those that earn what they get, and those who don't. I know that Fred got lucky. If he was ever in an evenly contested match, he couldn't win. No one could understand what he was even saying half the time." Jake looks around knowingly.
"Let's talk about this supercard you're a part of. Have you seen these matches? Let me run 'em down, you tell me what you think." Mark grabs a piece of paper from a nearby table and scans it as Superballs takes a seat. "Lazarus Black versus The Hoood versus Mike Thornton."
"I've never heard of any of those monkeys. Mike Thornton sounds like some sort of standup comedian. The Hoood...yeah...I'm not even going there. And then there's Lazarus Black. I'm not saying that name sounds like a Harry Potter name or anything, but Lazarus is a dope name. That's my pick. Lazarus Black for the win." He finishes, matter-of-factly, and waits for the next one.
"Justin Zane versus Eric Anderson versus Black Death."
"Oh dear god. Obviously, there's only one person in this match I don't know about, and that's Justin Zane. It's lost on me how people are still ripping off Justin Credible to this day. Guys, it's been years. We've seen them all. Justin Sane, Justin Tense, Justin Telligent, Justin Potent, Justin Yourmomsbutt. For christ's sake! The winner of this match will be Black Death. Eric Anderson doesn't exist...and he's probably not original anyway."
"Helldome qualifying match between Peter Gilmour and Downfall."
"Next."
"What?"
"NEXT!"
"Your prediction?"
"This match will fucking suck. This match will suck so fucking bad, they'll call it One Night in Paris 2. Huge build up, horrible let down. Fuck Peter Gilmour. I hope he chokes on the next dick he sucks. Now, move on to the next match. I was trying to be nice...ish."
"Vinic Dushane against Roxy Nova and Mia Sanchez."
"Who knows if the ladies will even show up? Does anyone know where they are? I'll pick Vinic Dushane here, although, I have a feeling he's really someone else. He could change that name to Neush Da Vinci though, and that would be way cooler."
"I thought you were going to tell me it was Shane Carver or something. Anyway, the next match is Maximus, Zach Rizza, and Christian Connoll..."
"Connolly will win this match. He already has it won. Just tune in and watch. I don't care the stipulation. This match could be a black guy loses first match, and Christian Connolly will still win this motherfucker. Quote me."
"Centurion against Legion in a submission only match."
"Here's the thing about Centurion. In all our years together in the XWF, I don't believe we've ever had a one on one match. He was in my first Universal Championship match, but couldn't compete with me. As a matter of fact, that may've been the last time we were in the ring together. That's been seven years or something. Centurion is my pick in this match. Legion is excellent, but he's not Andy Cortinovis. This could be the match of the night."
"Double G against..."
"A framed photo of Darkhan? A wet paper sack? It doesn't matter. Whoever Double G is facing will beat him like a red-headed step child. Believe it."
"Jason Mudd against Regan Chambers in a Helldome Qualifier."
"Another candidate for match of the night. Both of these guys are the new old guys in the XWF. I will choose Jason Mudd, but I do so in protest. Regan Chambers is a manimal, and could very well take this match in his own right. I'm undecided."
"Lieutenant Rekon against Fu..."
"With a name like that, Lieute...blah blah deserves to lose. He may as well have been General Rection or something. I'll take FuZz for the HUGE win."
"Hunter Ryan against Dr. Emo in a Helldome Qualifier."
"So, is this guy a Doctor? Like, a real doctor with a PHD? I gotta know this. And is Emo his last name? Is he a Dr. of Emo? I think that's along the same line as being the King of the Retards. I'm so pissed at my parents because they didn't buy me the Escalade...blah blah blah! You're boring! You're a towel! Dr. Emo wins, because he will use his advance psyche and PHD to apply three seconds worth of pressure to Ryan's shoulders." He thinks twice about this. "I mean, he'll pin him."
"Blizzard against Jayzon Williamz."
"What a match! Jayzon Williamz. I don't have anything entertaining to say here, but as far as I know, Blizzard has been out of the ring for quite some time. Jayzon Williamz is just as impressive as he was ten years ago. He wins."
"CCP against Ranma Saotome in a Last Man Standing Match."
"I've never truly been sold on 'the greatness' that is Chronic Chris Page. Never been impressed with the guy. I'll take guy with a funny name for $1000 Alex. And yes, I would like to make that a true daily double. Ran My Sow To Me for the win.
"You against Rigg."
"Motherfucker."
"What?"
"I don't want to face John. I mean, I do. It'll be nice to get in the ring with someone I'm comfortable being around, but he's still angry!"
"Prediction?"
"No."
"Moving on. Famine of the vile..."
"Wins. I don't care who he faces."
"What if that person is RJ Palmer?"
"Whole other story! This RJ Palmer is quite impressive. I like his style, and think he will go far in this business. I'll change my story and choose RJ Palmer to narrowly escape with a victory."
"Kieran King against Steve Jason with special guest ref Jayzon Williamz.
"You know Steve Jason is my boy. If I pick anyone but Steve Jason I'd by lying. And I'm not a liar. Take this to the bank, Steve Jason. The Over/Under on this match is fifteen minutes, and I'll take the under and put your life savings on it."
"Well, that's all I see on this paper. Anything you'd like to say about the card?"
"Hell yeah. James Raven really can put some shit together can't he?"
"I'll say."
"As a matter of fact, who would think to put two retired friends against one another in a 'legends match' of sorts? Who would book me against my friend? Against someone I've bled with on more occasions than I'd like to admit? A greedy, shifty, beedy-eyed, up-to-no-good, slimy, dirtball, who is also a genius. James Raven. Congratulations my friend, you've booked a masterpiece. And an Iron Man Match at that!"
PROMO
John Gambino, it comes to this. You and I, one more time. What can I say? I knew it was going to happen eventually. I knew, somewhere down the line, someone would get the bright idea to book us in a match against one another. Some wise-ass would put us in the same match. It's whatever, we're professionals. And Iron Man Match, to boot. Two old guys in an iron man match.
What they want, is for me to stand here and talk a mound of trash about Bigg Rigg. I'm not going to do that. Why? Because the man is still my friend. I'm not going to 'be a professional' and talk trash about the man. We, over the years, have made no bones about the fact that we share a unique bond. We've traveled these roads together with some of the greatest names in the history of this business.
We spoke so much about respect as far back as 1997 as we battled back and forth for the EHW World Heavyweight Championship. Scaffold matches, just a retarded amount of specialty matches that should've killed us both. We partied with Degeneration B...hey Neve..call me. We ruled the TWC with an iron fist, taking out anyone in our way. I'm pretty sure I'm not an original member, but I may be one of the more prominent members of the Flatline Crew and its history. At one time, The Flatline Crew spanned four different wrestling federations thanks to Bigg Rigg's creation.
Thirteen years, John. Thirteen years I've been doing this shit with you. Thirteen years we've traveled the roads, albeit different paths now. Thirteen years being friends with one of the greatest men I know.
We use words like honor and most pretend to know what that is. John Gambino, it is my honor to get in the ring with you on Sunday Night. It is my honor to be called your friend. It is my honor just to have known you in this business and outside of it. I appreciate you my friend.
We use words like respect. That's a word that is thrown around quite a bit, and people act like it means something to them. They're full of shit. It doesn't mean a goddamned thing to them. They don't know the meaning of respect. But when you and I walk into that building on Sunday, they'll show us the respect we've earned John. Oh yes. They don't even know they will, but we have an aura. We'll hit those doors together and they will stand. They won't applaud, but there won't be a person sitting when we walk into the building. It's just how it goes. They don't even know why they do it.
They use words like Legend. They call anyone who has won a match a legend. Anyone who wins a match calls theirself a legend. They've not earned shit. They haven't been through what we have John. They haven't traveled the places we have, John. They weren't around the night Kevin, Keith, & Joel died. You were, John. You were the first person to call me. You were the only person to care. We went to the tattoo parlor. You still have the mark on your arm as I do on mine.
Years, we've spent years on the road. And it comes to this. Our first one on one match since the 90s. Let's do it up brother! Let's do it big! I'll see you in Melbourne.